I am a god amongst gods

I am a god
amongst gods.

I am self-aware
on a globe filled with other
conscious and unconscious things.

I own my mind
I own my body
I own how the two
interact
with my surroundings.

I am a god
amongst gods.

Maybe something out there
has the ability to see our entire universe,
in all its vastness and infinite possibilities,
just as I see this computer in front of me.

From that view, I am not even a fraction of a decimal worth mentioning.
I am more insignificant than one of the 7,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000
atoms
in my body.

Yet, I am significant
and affect
all that I connect with.

I am a god
amongst gods.

Creating fire was once deemed supernatural.
What others will be proven as merely a power,
something that can be explained by the forces around us?
Misunderstanding is a temporary state.

We are capable of anything
absolutely anything
we envision,
as long as we’re steadfast
on the boundaries of our vision
to fully watch our creation form.

Belief is not simply thinking.
It’s acting according to it.

I am a god
amongst gods.

You’ve lost if you can’t believe it.

Tricks of the mind

She still comes to mind.
But it’s not her I want.

It’s the warmth of her body, the encouragement,
the gaze of admiration,
the feeling of being worthy,
even only to one other.

When I’m feeling down
these feelings arise.

It’s like my mind is prescribing a remedy,
but it’s not a doctor,
and she is no long-term relief.

My confidence is not as high right now,
my mind is trying to give me solutions to boost my mood,
but this is no solution.

Isn’t it funny how it works though?

These thoughts are almost strong enough to
convince me to
shoot her a text
setup a ‘check in’
see how she’s doing.

I didn’t smoke this,
drink this,
snort this,
shoot-up this,
yet the urge to raise my level is as if I had.

She is not my remedy,
this is no solution.

The importance of evolution

There’s freedom
in doing what you’re not supposed to do.

Having sex on an airplane
Eating an entire pint of ice cream in one sitting
Achieving a ‘crazy’ dream
Peeing in the sink
Telling your boss to fuck off
Masturbating to your friend’s hot significant other
Knocking out an asshole

It’s a jolt that makes you feel
alive
until the warning sirens sound.

“I shouldn’t do this”
“This is bad”
“I can’t do this”
“I might get into trouble”

Anxiety
Stress
Pain
Fear
Tries to push us
to our safety net;
the place that we know
will be comfortable.

Patterns
learned
and
given
like an addiction.

Who do you want to be?
Your end result is in the present.

Who do you want to be?
Change one pattern,
one fear,
push through one pain.

Your end result is new,
still a part of your present.

There’s freedom
in doing what you’re not supposed to do.

My several dogs

I was born an owner of several dogs
and I hate them.

They follow me everywhere.
Barking
eating
biting
shiting in places shit isn’t supposed to go.

They demand constant attention
and more times than not
I allow them to drain me.

My identity merges with theirs and my life is
my several dogs.

I’ve given them to friends
Left them at the pound
Threw them in a nearby lake
Shot them
but they always come back
and even more challenging.

I am out of options.
Maybe I was dealt a bad hand?
What more could I do?
I’ve had enough.

One day I noticed someone
with several dogs
laughing
playing
chasing them
throwing a ball.

As I approached
my dogs raced her way.

She was not bothered by their nature
in fact
she seemed to enjoy their company
and as aggressive
and demanding they were with her
she continued
laughing
playing
chasing
throwing a ball
combining her several dogs
with my several dogs
in peace.

After a while,
the dogs
stopped
and sat on the field licking their paws.

My several dogs had never rested before.
They are relentless
but
they take a break after a few moments with a stranger?

I asked her for advice,
but she didn’t have any.
She just said that she loves dogs.

A meditation on perfection

‘Perfect’ has become a
a whore near the end of her shift.
a marlin after six hours of fight.
a bull lanced with spears.

Its ambiguity is spread by the bite sized media:
quote images
short personal accounts
Tedx clips
movies
blogs
songs.

Is perfect flawless?
Is perfect you as you are?
Is perfect wholly good?
Is perfect wholly bad?
Is perfect harmony?

Perfection must exist,
but often unnoticed without its proper context.

Is a lion caged in a zoo perfect?
Is a dancer working as an administrative assistant perfect?
Is a computer floating in a river perfect?

Basically,
and pushing context aside,
perfection is an intended creation.

Whether its air, water, humans, animals, vegetation, or even a bookcase
and the matter needed to make up each
or
the particles that create matter,
perfection is achieved because
something intended was created.

Who or what intends
air
water
humans
animals
vegetation?

Did circumstance yield life?
Did life yield circumstance?

I’m not trying to solve
the chicken
or the egg.

I’m trying to say that
it appears
it’s all perfect.

Completion

One day
when the anger has settled
when the wound has healed
and formed a scar
we’ll meet again
and remember
the finished product.

Each moment together
a different shade
a different piece
necessary
for completion.

We battled
we loved
we made love
we lied
we fucked
we were honest.

Each moment
a different shade
a different piece
necessary
for completion.

It was perfect
not some of it
all of it
together.

But who am I kidding
maybe we’ll never meet again
maybe the scar will simply remind us
of the pain from the wound.

Each moment
a different shade
a different piece
necessary
for completion.

I lost a friend

I lost a friend,
and I lost a crutch.

We are kept alive by crutches.

We are born with easily penetrated organs,
a fragile mind,
needs,
cravings,
dependencies.

Nature’s destiny for us is
to eventually stop
and crumble.

But we don’t want to stop,
we don’t want to be vulnerable,
we don’t want to be weak.
We are profoundly affected when
we see a dead body.

We use the crutch of armor,
media,
perspectives,
and substances,
to attempt to protect ourselves from
nature’s ultimate finale.

We look for fulfillment everywhere except ourselves.
Self-love is basically Atlantis.

I lost a friend,
and I lost a crutch.

The feeling is a void;
a cold and hollow place.

A feeling that I prided myself
in being able to fill up
with only the energy I have within myself.

But a hypothesis is not a reality.

I lost a friend,
and I lost a crutch.

I have to love this

Lethargic,
distorted,
frustrated,
anxious.

I have to love this,
all of this.

I have to accept this,
all of this.

I have to feel this without shame or regret,
all of this.

I have to stay strong,
even though currently I’m not,
and keep my face above rushing water.

I have to love this,
all of this.

Death

You don’t see them cry.
You don’t see them standing over your grave.
You can’t hug them to console.

You can’t correct them when they miss a critical piece of a story.
You can’t act modest when they talk about your accomplishments and how much you meant to their life.

There’s no Save the Date for your death.
No grand scene when the time comes, which seems so prevalent in films.

Your life after death is in memory, film, photos, and text.

What are you putting on record?
Are you proud of it?
Death could give a shit either way.
It’s coming when it feels like it.

A day in the life

The woman that loves me, I don’t love.
The job that wants to keep me, I don’t want to keep.

But I let them stick around.

The music I want to play, doesn’t feel right.
The weight I want to lose, doesn’t shed.

The kick in the balls I give my thought process doesn’t hurt enough.
Maybe I don’t hit it right.
Maybe that other book I saw on Tim Ferriss’ list will help.

Back to the Talisker 10
and the documentary I queued on Netflix.